Again Page 3

  "I'm not dense, little sister. You just believe too much in fairy tales."

  Tatum turns around to face me. She raises her eyebrow and give me a funny look, "Maybe, you should start believing in them."

  I enter my old room and quickly change into a pair of pajamas. Tatum’s observations are something I’m not ready to deal with. All these old memories are not welcomed. I’ve been just fine without Eli in my life the last six years. Haven't I?

  My room hasn't changed very much. Mama kept all my old knick knacks and décor. When I left with Mick, I didn’t take very much. I look over to the bulletin board above the desk.

  The cork board has always been a scrapbook mural for all my souvenirs and pictures. There were pictures of me with Tatum, with school friends, and with church friends. Then there were, of course, pictures with Eli. In many of them we were laughing at the camera, reveling in some sort of inside joke. In some of them we were kissing. His full, heart shaped lips hungrily meeting mine, our eyes shut, lost in the power of one singular kiss.

  My favorite picture is one that had been taken by Tatum while we were at one of Eli's football games. He looks so handsome in his tight uniform. I remember always being so proud of him, so proud to be his.

  In this picture, I’m sitting beside him with my arms around his stomach. I have a smile from ear to ear that makes me look like a lovesick lunatic. Eli is looking down at me with such an adoring gaze it almost makes me weep.

  He was caught off guard and not ready for the photograph, but it showed so much into the depths of his soul and what he felt for me. When I first saw the picture I had cried. Eli asked me what was wrong and I just kissed him. The old adage, 'a picture is worth a thousand words' was never truer than it had been for that candid picture.

  I smile and reach up to grab a photo strip from the cork board. On the side in my messy handwriting was written, "B & E, 3rd anniversary." It had been taken at the mall. I was wearing my dorky glasses and in a couple of pictures Eli wore them too. One picture we were kissing. I blush. We sure did a lot of kissing back then.

  I put the picture back and climb into my old bed. Of course, that brings back memories as well since it was the bed that both Eli and I lost our virginity on. Everything in this room screams Eli. No wonder I always avoided it during visits with my mother.

  Sleep comes quickly. I am more exhausted than I realize. I dream of Eli, but I can’t grasp any details. I wake up with a start, sweat beading on my forehead.

  "Get a freaking grip, Bonnie," I whisper laying back down. Staring at the ceiling, I try to fight off thoughts about old relationships and broken hearts.

  ***

  She had skipped school today. Her mom hadn't even chided her; instead she just sighed at the sight of her oldest in pajamas during breakfast.

  She hadn't texted or talked to anyone all day, not even Eli. She felt so alone. More alone than she had ever felt before. Her heart physically ached. This was it, today made everything final. Her family as she had always known it would be forever changed.

  She took out her cell phone and dialed Eli. Talking to anyone else just felt useless. She knew Eli was at football practice right now, but she just wanted to hear his voice, even if it was going to be on his voicemail.

  It rang twice before Eli picked up, "Hey B," he sounded winded. Bonnie was surprised he even answered, that she hesitated before replying.

  "Eli? Hey I didn't think you were going to answer. I was just going to leave you a message," she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

  "It's okay babe. I asked Coach if I could leave early. I'm walking to my car now."

  "Wait, why? Coach never lets anyone leave early."

  Bonnie heard Eli take a breath before answering, "Bonnie, I know what's going on this afternoon. I'm about to head to your house."

  His voice was soft and patient. Bonnie felt her heart soar with a mixture of adoration and sadness. He knew, and he was coming to be with her.

  "Okay. Hurry please," her voice broke and she felt her eyes burning with the threat of tears. She hung up the phone and started bawling. It was like a dam had busted on the inside. All the anger, fear, frustration and sadness she had kept inside came flooding out. She lay on her bed in the fetal position and gave in to the release of emotions that she had been holding in all this time.

  Eli found her in the room and rushed to her. He lay down behind her and reached around to hold her. He kissed the back of her head and rubbed her arms.

  "Shhh baby, it's okay. It's going to be alright. You got to calm down, okay?" he whispered. Bonnie turned around to face him and buried her head in his chest. He smelled like a combination of sweat, outdoors and locker combined with AXE spray and she started laughing despite herself.

  Eli seemed puzzled. "What's funny?"

  Bonnie pushed herself away so she could look up at him. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was biting his bottom lip, something he did when he was confused.

  Bonnie crinkled her nose in a teasing manner, sat up and said, "You stink." She started laughing again and Eli smiled.

  "Well, excuse me. I didn't have time to take a shower; I had to save a damsel in distress after all." Eli sat up beside her and sniffed his armpits, which made Bonnie laugh even more.

  "Ugh, you're right I do stink. Sorry babe." He looked embarrassed and this made Bonnie smile. She loved this boy, so much.

  She hugged his neck, putting her hands in his sweaty hair and said, “I love you so much. Sometimes it scares me how much I love you."

  Eli pulled her back so he could look at her. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy. Her hair was pulled into a lifeless ponytail and her color was paler than normal. Today had been rough for her, he knew.

  "Why does it scare you baby?" he whispered. He held her chin gently between his thumb and forefinger and stared into her eyes.

  "It just does. You're the only thing I know as far as boyfriend wise. What happens if we end up like my parents? If all our love just disappeared one day and we hated each other? I would be devastated. It scares me because I have so much invested in you. You make up a large percent of my life. That's scary," Bonnie explained quietly.

  She took a deep breath and took Eli's hand. "This right here," she lifted up their joined hands, "makes me feel anchored to the world. Like, if I didn't have you I would just float away. I hate being so weak and putting so much on you. But I also love feeling so protected and safe.

  "You're not weak, Bonnie. You're one of the strongest people I know. And I've got a lot invested in you too. You are my life. I can't help it either and I don't want to. It makes me happy to love you so much and to have you love me the same," Eli said finally after a few minutes of silence. He kissed Bonnie's forehead. Under his embrace, Bonnie felt a shiver run down her spine.

  "It feels like I've loved you since the beginning of time," Bonnie whispered, fresh tears spilling down her face. Eli's breath came out ragged and he straightened up. Bonnie looked up into his face and he had a pained expression.

  "What's wrong?" she asked.

  Eli swallowed hard. "I've thought that exact same thing." He smiled wide and leaned in to kiss her tenderly. With her eyes closed Bonnie felt like she was flying. This is what Eli did to her. She felt so much built up passion and longing, she started kissing him harder. Her breathing quickened and her heart sped up.

  "I love you, so much. I need you Eli," she whispered. Eli moaned quietly and started unbuttoning her shirt.

  Like so many times in the past, they made love that afternoon. It was sweet and slow, and afterwards Eli held Bonnie close to him. He could feel her heart beat underneath his embrace.

  "You are my anchor Bonnie. Nothing can make me let you go." he whispered. He felt her heave a soft sigh and hugged her tighter.

  "Good I'm glad. You're stuck with me Stone," Bonnie whispered quietly. Her heart felt lighter, her burdens smaller than they had previously been.

  She knew that life would forever be changed. Now she was going to be a part of
a broken family and she would have to be strong not only for her mom but for Tatum as well. They would grieve in their own little ways, but life would go on. It always did.

  Chapter Three

  The next week, Eli agreed to take shifts staying with my mom the following week. Her doctors had said she needed to be in the hospital for another week for labs and tests to rule out any other internal problems.

  After that, she would be able to go home, and Tatum’s leave was up. Amber, Mick’s assistant, texted me the previous day promising to send my stuff back soon and see if the flowers she ordered had arrived.

  Tatum eased the tension whenever Eli and I were together. She would ask questions that were in neutral territory, like about his parents, his job, our old friends. She would bring me into the conversations and eventually Eli and I were the ones talking.

  Tatum has always been the negotiator in our family. She is quick, smart and always knew how to disarm any negative situation.

  It was becoming manageable to be around Eli. It wasn't the same like the past, but he didn’t make me get sick anymore. He came to the hospital every day after his shift was over. On his days off he would spend the whole day with us.

  Since she was being released in a few days, Mama asks if we could retrieve an outfit from her house. There had been other runs to the house, but Tatum and Eli were the ones to go. Their relationship had quickly gone back to the same as it was six years ago. He always adored Tatum as his own little sister, no matter how annoying she could be.

  This time, Tatum was in the cafeteria getting a snack and it was just Eli and I in the room. He always did the driving since it was his car, but wasn't comfortable going into Mama's house by himself and getting her personal belongings.

  "Mother, do you need it right this minute?" I ask with an attitude. Being alone with Eli does not seem appealing. It’s uncomfortable territory. I’m okay with Tatum there, but I hadn't been alone with him at all. Just the thought of it sends me into a panic. My heartbeat speeds up and my palms become slick with sweat.

  "Why, actually I do. And I don't care too much for that attitude, either. Do you think I like being laid up like this? That I’m unable to do my own errands? Well I don't. And I don’t like having a daughter that have major attitude problems like you," Mama says, her voice wavering.

  A tremendous wave of guilt washes over me and I apologize immediately. Today was a hard day, pain management wise. I immediately feel like a big brat.

  "Come on," I tap Eli on the shoulder. He smiles, and follows suit. We walk silently through the parking lot to his car.

  There is a deafening silence in the car as we ride. I stare out the window, lost in my own thoughts when Eli finally speaks, “She really knows how to make you feel like shit.”

  “Ha! No kidding!” I exclaim, “She’s the best at putting things in perspective for you.” Eli nods in agreement. We pull up to the house and go inside. Eli follows behind me into Mama’s room.

  “You know, that night of her accident, all she could talk about was how stupid I was for what I did,” Eli whispers at the doorway of Mama’s room. I stop rummaging in the closet and stare at him. Here it is, the moment we had been dodging since the first day coming face to face.

  “No, she didn’t.”

  “Yeah, I’m not lying. She said if she was going to die, she wanted me to know that what I did was wrong and make a promise to try and rectify it,” Eli shakes his head and scoffs sadly, “Made me feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. But like you said, she’s the best at the whole perspective thing.”

  "I'm sorry, Eli. I'm trying."

  "I know you are, B. It's okay," he breathes deep and gives me that crooked smile, "Did you find that outfit?”

  I nod and we leave. Things have just changed, in the smallest way possible.

  **A few days later**

  There’s a soft rap on the door and Eli pokes his head in. I sit up straighter in the chair and wave.

  "Ready for a break?"

  "Don’t you need to change out of your uniform?"

  "No, I’m working later on tonight, taking over a shift for a buddy so I won't bother." He looks worn out and tired.

  "Well that’s no bueno. Sorry."

  He stands there, his head cocked to the side, staring at me. I feel self-conscious and nervously fidget with my hair, smoothing back the flyways I can feel.

  "Do you want to get a coffee or something downstairs? I can use a little caffeine boost right now." "Yeah, that sounds good. You have to buy though, since it’s your idea."

  I follow Eli out the door and we walk down the hall. I’ve been noticing that people regard Eli with unspoken respect and those with common sense were on their best behavior when Eli was near.

  Although, it’s more comfortable being around him, it’s still strange. We grab a couple of donuts and find a table.

  "Ah, so it is true about cops and donuts, huh?” I joke. Eli grins, takes a big bite from his and rolls his eyes.

  "So tell me how your night shift went? Don’t you get scared at night?" I ask, trying to make conversation.

  "Are you kidding? That hurts you think I'm so weak and such a pansy," Eli grins big and I return the smile. Flakes of donut glaze are near his mouth and instinctively I reach up and rub it off.

  The gesture, though miniscule in scale, startles me. From the look on Eli's face, he’s feeling the same way. My hand is frozen on his face, his stubble pricking my thumb in the slightest way. I stare into those sea green eyes and don’t flinch as he grabs my hand gently in his own.

  We stay that way for a minute. My hearts beats faster than a hummingbird's wings in flight. This overwhelming urge to reach over and kiss him consumes me. I want to taste his lips, run my fingers through his hair. I envision myself climbing in his lap just to breathe him in.

  His eyes are closed as he brings my hand closer to his mouth. His breath is warm as he exhales and lightly kisses my wrist.

  I feel a lump form in my throat and hot tears spring to my eyes. I’m partially mad that he has the gall to do that and partially ridiculously happy that he has shown such a sweet gentle affection.

  "Sorry," he whispers. His voice is low and raspy. He slowly lowers our hands to the table and releases mine. He gives an apologetic smile and shakes his head.

  "It sounds stupid, but sometimes I forget. When you're around it’s really easy to revert back to how things were. You're just easy to be around, despite the circumstances."

  His attention turns towards his coffee and donut and we finish our breakfast in silence. My heart and head is one mess of confusion. It may not be right, but it feels that way. I don’t want anything to do with him, but I do. I finish and take a deep breath.

  "You’re getting easier to be around, Eli. Don’t make apologies. Just keep being yourself. It's been a relief to have you around helping with Mama. I really do appreciate it."

  Eli nods slowly, "Anything for my favorite Jinks women. Where’s Tatum anyway?”

  "She went to Mama’s to shower and sleep."

  "Well don’t wake her up when you get home. You both take as long as you need to. I won't be needed for my next shift 'til tonight."

  We stand and suddenly Eli envelopes me in a hug. It feels so normal and I immediately wrap my arms around him. I lay my head on his chest and hear his heart beating slow and steady. This was my favorite place in the world long ago.

  "Thanks for having breakfast with me. I had a rough night to be honest and this was a really nice change of pace," he says, still holding on to me.

  "You’re welcome. Thank you, too."

  Eli releases me and gives a shy smile. Yup, things were starting to change.

  ***

  At the end of the week, Tatum and I stand at the airport terminal, waiting on her flight to board. She has on her fatigues and looks nervous, but excited. Her goodbye with Mama had brought tears to all of us.

  I realize then, how much I miss my little sister. The night before, I apologized to her dur
ing a sisterly pow-wow. I’ve been holding onto so much guilt for abandoning her in the middle of some of the hardest years a girl has to go through. We cried a lot, laughed more and by the end of the night I felt better about mine and my sister’s relationship.

  The announcement for her boarding comes on. We embrace fiercely and I take a deep breath to keep the tears from coming again.

  “Bonnie, I love you so much and you’re the best sister ever…but please don’t be an idiot about Eli, okay? Don’t be too stubborn that you don’t recognize that God is giving you guys a second chance” Tatum whispers in my ear. I smile and kiss her cheek.

  “I don’t know when you became so knowledgeable, baby sis. But I’ll try. I love you so much! This time I’ll write more okay?”

  She just nods and wipes her hand over her eyes. She grabs her bags and with one last kiss turns around and leaves.

  My sister is a woman, and a damn great one at that.

  ***

  Eli was nervous. Most of the time he had nerves of steel, so he didn't know what was wrong with him. They had been to countless dances throughout middle and high school. There were at least a dozen pictures of the two dressed up in front of some lame decoration to prove it. But then again this was Prom. It was the dance that every girl dreamed of the entire four years of their high school career. He had heard girls in his freshman class planning for the future event. Ridiculous, he always thought.

  He knew Bonnie was excited about it. It was the last dance they would go to. She wasn't over the top with her excitement, but Eli knew that she was still a little anxious.

  He didn’t know what her dress looked like, only that it was teal. He picked a tux to match and had his mom help him with the corsage.

  He rang the doorbell at Bonnie's house. His parents were already over here, waiting to take pictures and see the couple off. Ms. Cindy opened the door and swooned over how handsome he was. He walked in the living room and hugged his mom who looked near tears.

  "Bonnie, he's heeerrre," Tatum said in a sing song voice. She winked at Eli and he smiled back. The room got quiet and Eli swore he could hear his heart thud in his chest. He took a deep breath as he heard Bonnie's heels on the floor getting closer.